Depths of Despair
I get out of bed, but I don’t want to. I feel numb. I can’t think. I must find things to do, to make this day like so many just be over so I can go back to bed again. Even though my sleep is filled with dreams and nightmares, it is still better than being awake and getting through reality. This was me ALL last week – my daily dose of antidepressant certainly wasn’t any help!!
I thank God for a wonderful friend, a sister in Christ who sensed my suffering and took the chance to reach out in a text. In the course of our text conversation she sent me these verses -
“Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul. Psm 143:8”
“Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for He shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders. Deut 33:12”
The verses touched my heart and I cried on and off for two days. I needed to be reminded that God loves me no matter what I have done to cause such suffering… yes, some was self-inflicted. Speaking before thinking brings major grief; trying to control situations will end up in bigger messes; worrying, fretting, mulling over the uncontrollable will drive you crazy.
I had to say these verses over and over until I could believe them. I had to STOP my mind from constantly trying to justify my actions and thoughts no matter how ‘noble’ I believed they were. I had to confess that I was WRONG, not ‘probably wrong’.
After a full week of feeling like my heart was a 100 lb. weight in my chest and the constant churning of my stomach, I am recovering. God’s unfailing love is slowly lifting my crushed soul and repairing my cracked faith. I am doing my best to rest in Him and trust Him to work all things out.
I have not been transformed to instant ‘joy’. The ‘situation’ I am involved in is real. It is not of my choosing; I don’t like it but I do need to come through it. I know He will stand beside me and help me. I have determined to push away the “What if thoughts” that want to jump into my head. The struggle is real and ongoing hourly, daily.
God is not a genie or a God of goodie bags. One thing I know is that no matter how difficult I find this trial, nothing compares to what Jesus did by hanging on the cross. I need to do my part in this which is to trust Him, rest in Him and then He will show me the way to go.
Blessings
Julie
3 Comments
Thank you for sharing this, Julie. You describe your emotions vividly; I can feel the pain and weight as I read this. I appreciate the realness of not being transformed to instant joy and the trial still being difficult as you walk with God. I pray that alongside the suffering, you will also feel the unfailing love of God that you have pointed to.
Thanks for sharing this powerful encouragement. Such a good reminder to read a scripture over until you believe it!
Oh, my sweet friend. Your words have touched me deeply and made me smile. I so truly appreciate and admire your courage, vulnerability and humility in sharing the process that you have been allowing God to work in your precious heart the last couple of weeks.
Not everyone’s character grows, strengthens and matures through their pain and suffering. God is a mighty God, but, as you so wonderfully stated “not a genie or a God of goodie bags.” We have to do our part in humbling ourselves, repenting, seeking God, and standing still, and honestly, that can be a hard, tiring, messy thing to do, as you know. Especially because it isn’t a one time thing, but a process that must be repeated throughout the hour, the day, the week. Who knew that even resting in God, let alone trusting in Him, could be so challenging when it sounds so welcoming, peaceful and safe?! But you are doing all of these things, and doing them well, and that is so encouraging and inspiring to me!
Thank you for sharing how God is carrying you through the very real and painful situation you are in and transforming your heart while He does it. I am proud of you!!