Depression 09: Crisis Response Centre

Please be advised that this post discusses suicidal thoughts and planning.

Shortly after returning from my trip to visit a friend at the end of August, I headed to the Crisis Response Centre (CRC), a 24/7 centre where adults can access mental health care. I was in desperate need of help and I was ready to tell my story to get help. From the CRC, I was hoping to go straight to the place my priest had told me about- the place where people can stay for a few days and receive mental health support.

On my walk to the CRC, I ran into one of my friendly neighbours, someone I have chatted with often and who has become a friend. I have sometimes told her when I’ve struggled with low periods. So when she asked me the common question of how I was doing, my reason for cheerfully saying I was alright wasn’t that I wanted to completely hide my struggle from her. In this particular case, I just wanted to get to the CRC quickly.

This encounter reminded me of a conversation with a different friend earlier in the summer. She was talking about mental health and said that people can be very good at maintaining a positive manner even when they’re struggling, so sometimes you have no idea when someone is dealing with a mental health problem. I silently agreed with a bit of a chuckle, thinking that, indeed, she probably had no idea I was suicidal, that I was one of those people keeping a convincing happy mask on.

Even this day, heading to the CRC because I was dangerously suicidal, I looked and sounded healthy on the outside. My neighbour would have had no reason to guess that I was on my way to a crisis centre.

At the CRC, I began to tell my story in full, all at once and not leaving anything out, for the first time. I told the triage nurse, then two social workers, and then the psychiatrist’s assistant about experiencing depressive symptoms in cycles over the past few years. I told them about how I was very unwell consistently for the few years before that. I talked about my past self injury and a few other things in my life that were important to mention but aren’t the main subject of this blog series. (People’s stories and experiences are complex and layered. I am sharing a lot in this blog, but even this doesn’t cover everything. That reminds me that it’s a real gift when we get to know someone deeply and hear many of the layers and aspects of their life.)

I talked about how I had been getting considerably worse over the summer, that I was struggling to function, and that I was suicidal. I told these four staff members that a few days ago, I had planned my suicide for this day, but then decided to go the CRC instead when I remembered, “Damn it. People care about me.”

Even when sharing my secrets and deep pain, I maintained a put together demeanour without really trying to. One of the social workers commented that my thoughts were very cohesive and that I was polite and smiling a lot. I responded that that must have become habit from years of trying to be cheerful for others.

Even before the social worker commented on this, I think I had a subconscious concern that I might not seem like I was in a crisis. I also subconsciously thought that if I asked to go to that place my priest told me about, I would seem less in a crisis, as if an ability to clearly articulate a problem and a plan would indicate a sound mind not in need of crisis assistance.

Regarding my suicidal thoughts, the social workers asked what I thought would happen, what I thought I would do if I went home. I paused to think before saying I wasn’t sure, and that was the truth. When the social workers said their level of concern for me was high, I felt relieved. When the social workers did suggest going to the place my priest mentioned, I felt relieved again and said I wanted to go there.

I waited for a while at the CRC until a bed was ready for me at the place I now knew was called the Crisis Stabilization Unit (CSU). Thankfully, I wasn’t sent away from the CRC. I headed to the CSU that evening.

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Suicide is terrible and tragic. It can be hard to talk about. It can be frightening to hear about. I am not encouraging suicidal ideation as a solution or trying to shock and harm with my words. I am sharing a part of my story, showing what depression can be like. This is one very real and serious part of my story that should not be left out. Talking about suicide can be difficult, but talking about these thoughts instead of hiding them can save lives. I am not the only person struggling with a mental illness who has been in this place. Thankfully, I also have other parts of my story that include difficult and ongoing healing. These parts of my story will come later.

Manitoba Suicide Prevention & Support Line (24/7): 1-877-435-7170
Klinic Crisis Line (24/7): 1-888-322-3019
You do not have to be in immediate crisis to call these lines.

Kristen