Depression 08: A Lovely and Dreadful Week

Please be advised that this post discusses suicidal thoughts and planning.

I was struggling to function in August. Near the end of August, I was talking to my priest again about being suicidal. She told me about a place in Winnipeg where people in mental health crisis could go for a few days, like a little vacation away from the world with mental health workers and support. I wanted to go there, but I had a trip planned to visit a friend in PEI in a few days. I knew my friend was really looking forward to my visit, so I wrote a note for my priest promising I wouldn’t hurt myself and that I would get help if I needed (she knew that I take promises seriously; that was the first time I actually agreed to use the word “promise”) and went home. A few days later, I headed to PEI.

My week in PEI was wonderful. I stayed with my friend and her parents in their picturesque farmhouse in the countryside. They had many plants and trees, open space, and a large garden in their yard. My friend and I both wanted a relaxed week, so we only did one activity most days and then spent time at the house reading or playing with the dogs. Over the week, we went for a short walk in a wildlife sanctuary, swam and lay on the sand at a beach, walked along the coast, and went horseback riding, so I got to enjoy nature and get a bit of exercise. It was great to see my friend again and hear how she’d been doing in PEI. It was lovely.

My week in PEI was also challenging. The loveliness of the week did help to distract from my dark thoughts. I only occasionally thought suicidal thoughts during the day, during quiet moments such as while in the car or lying on the beach. The relaxed pace made it possible to manage through my exhaustion and to be good company for my friend. However, I could still feel the weight of the depression I was carrying with me, even if it wasn’t as prominent as usual. Moreover, I could tell that even though I was already struggling to function, I was on the verge of a further, absolute collapse. I could tell that this peaceful, retreat-like week was all I could possibly manage by this point.

My nights in PEI were distressing. By this last week of August, I couldn’t get to sleep until three or four in the morning. With the peaceful days behind me and gone, I resumed my suicidal thinking at night. These nights were dreadful, and I also knew I wouldn’t be able to manage at any time of day once I was home.

So, one night toward the end of the week at around three in the morning, I planned to die by suicide basically as soon as I returned home. I felt relieved once I had settled on a date. I only had to make it a few more days.

After a while though, I remembered, “Damn it, there are people who care about me. Fine, I’ll go to the stupid Crisis Response Centre.” (There were actually many more swears, including several said out loud, but I won’t write those.) Fine. I would go to the Crisis Response Centre, and hopefully from there I could go to that place my priest had told me about.

The week was lovely and at the same time, I desperately needed help. Such a pleasant week was the only type of week I could possibly have functioned through. In that way, it was a good place for me to be that week. However, the depression didn’t stop during that vacation. Being in such a bad place already by the end of August, this week also became the week I planned my suicide. A lovely and dreadful week.

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Suicide is terrible and tragic. It can be hard to talk about. It can be frightening to hear about. I am not encouraging suicidal ideation as a solution or trying to shock and harm with my words. I am sharing a part of my story, showing what depression can be like. This is one very real and serious part of my story that should not be left out. Talking about suicide can be difficult, but talking about these thoughts instead of hiding them can save lives. I am not the only person struggling with a mental illness who has been in this place. Thankfully, I also have other parts of my story that include difficult and ongoing healing. These parts of my story will come later.

Manitoba Suicide Prevention & Support Line (24/7): 1-877-435-7170
Klinic Crisis Line (24/7): 1-888-322-3019
You do not have to be in immediate crisis to call these lines.

Kristen