Depression 03: The Deep Pit
During my worst months, depression felt like I was at the bottom of a deep pit and there was no possible way of getting out. The view from the pit would sometimes allow for a glimpse of sky. I knew that life existed outside the pit, but there was no way for me to get there. Other times, my days were darker still and I couldn’t see anything beyond the cold, unscalable walls surrounding me. This was my new reality.
I was mostly stuck lying on the dirt floor. The weight of depression and exhaustion made it difficult even to stand or pace the floor. Even if there had been a ladder leading out of the pit, I would’ve been too weak to climb it. It was hopeless. There was no way out, and there was no way for anyone to rescue me.
There were people caring for me and trying to help me. My priest knew about my inescapable pit. She wondered if, since I couldn’t escape and I was too far down to be simply lifted out, the kind words and practical help of all those caring people could at least be some dirt thrown into the pit to make it less deep.
Once my priest had given me that image, I could see some faces way up above of the people sending dirt down. The care these people gave me did help and it didn’t help. I was thankful for it and I wrote a list of all the people who cared about me as a visual reminder. Still, depression had its hold on me. The faces were far away, separate from my lived reality, unable to come down and join me or bring me out, and the handfuls of dirt being thrown down were too small to raise the bottom of the vast pit.
The cold and darkness of the pit, however, continued to be strongly present; they enveloped me. The pit was my new life and depression told me it would be my entire future.
Kristen
3 Comments
I was shoveling yesterday. It's much easier to throw dirt into a hole than it is to make the hole deeper. I pray that those faces get closer and closer and that one day the hole gets filled and a nice garden gets planted on top. One with nice bushes that birds can land in.
If I owned a backhoe that could help. I'd spend all the days needed driving it down the highway to LDB. I wish there was a backhoe like that.
Oh yes, the good old pit of despair! Even when the sky is bright blue and the sun is shining! I love your vision of the people throwing dirt down to try to build up the bottom. However - a full team of tall, handsome search and rescue dudes with the equipment to rappel down and lift you out on a stretcher and airlift you to safety would have been better - oh wait that's just in the movies!!! Real live sucks! But I am so happy that you are grounded in the Word and know that God loves you and has a plan for you! And that people are praying and helping you, not throwing dirt on you! Hugs!!!!
This is a heart breaking but powerful image to help me and others understand the utter hopelessness, despair and pain of depression. I'm sorry this anguish has been your reality. I will never stop throwing dirt into your pit.