Depression 02: Cycle of Depression

Over the past few years, I kept cycling through feeling somewhat okay, feeling pretty good and excited to have more energy again, and either gradually falling or crashing into a period of depressive symptoms. After a few days or weeks of depressive symptoms, I would continue in the cycle and feel okay again.

I didn't recognize the low in this cycle to be depression; I didn't say “depressive symptoms” at the time. I reluctantly thought of it as burnout since it seemed to come back when I’d had a bit more energy again and had started trying to do more than watch Netflix for three or four hours every evening.

Another reason I thought of it as burnout was because it did seem to go away eventually after I rested enough. That made it seem like, even though I had been working on this for a few years already, I just needed to better learn my limits, better manage my health, try harder. Or try less hard and accept my limitations and this pace of life that included so much Netflix.

However, in terms of managing my health, I was already living a healthy lifestyle and paying attention to many aspects of wellbeing. I was exercising, eating well, and getting enough sleep for my physical health. I was involved in my church community for my spiritual and emotional health. I had strong relationships with family and friends.

Even so, I kept struggling with these periods of distress and exhaustion. Or, because of these healthy routines, I was able to keep getting out of the depressive periods until a year ago. By then, these periods had already become more frequent and were lasting longer, and now, one of these periods wasn’t going away.

By May, I really related to a lecture at my church on depression, but I wasn’t sure it would be okay to say so since I wasn’t actually diagnosed with depression. In June, I took more sick days than I had in the previous six months. In summer, I was still working, but I found it increasingly difficult to get ready in the morning and to complete my tasks at work. I sat with my head in my hands or slouched in my chair when no one was around. After work, it took the last of my energy to make a sandwich for supper.

The feelings of darkness, pain, and aloneness deepened. I knew I wasn’t the only person who felt these things and I knew I had people who cared about me, but I also knew that no one could know the exact feelings in my body and spirit as I was feeling them. I felt very alone in the many moments I was physically alone in my room. I had more and more trouble falling asleep, so I would be exhausted but awake until one or two or three in the morning.

The cycle had broken, but not in a positive way. This period of depression wasn’t ending. Over the spring, it had been getting worse each week, and by the end of summer, I had descended into the deep pit of depression.

Kristen